What if people talked the way tech marketeers write? A tongue-in-cheek vision of what might be...

I must have missed a Marketing class when I was getting my undergrad degree. Apparently, technology marketing and PR types use one language as part of their work output and another when they’re at home. How bad is this?  For a bit of  Friday fun, here are a few real-life situations we can all relate to, but each has been altered to reflect how tech marketeers write.

The Wedding Toast

This one will make you tingle:

Let’s raise our glasses and celebrate the merger of Pat and Jean. Both of these wonderful people expect to generate tremendous operating synergies once this deal clears regulatory approval. I heard Jean at the bar say that this deal should create huge free cash flow once her old apartment is sublet.

By the way, Pat has decided to use Jean’s last name, Kubernetes, over the objection of her parents.

Pat met Jean at work where they started a deskless, mobile-first relationship over Zoom. This adversity helped them future-proof their relationship even if it was stateless. But nothing, not even Pat’s travel requirements or Jean’s 24/7/365 work schedule, dampened their employee experience and personal/professional balance.

Finally, I’d like to thank Rev. Jon Reed of the Internet Church of Divine Integration for a great microservice today. Cheers!

Home remodel

Do tech marketers live in real homes?

We wanted to totally transform our home. A big part of our successful re-imagination of the house involved re-platforming of the den using a cutting-edge hammer and nails. The result? We’re now living in a state-of-the-art, data-driven home in the cloud. It’s a far cry from our old on-premises housing solution. Now, our children can play in a container-based, disaster-recovery den with a transparent floor that is ISO 14001 and SOC 70 compliant.

Football play-by-play announcers

If tech marketers changed careers:

I’ll tell you Pat, that last play demonstrated what a little collaboration and empowerment can do to align team goals with desired outcomes. In fact, that may have been the best example of OKRs on the playing field that we’ve seen today.

You’re so right Jean but the real credit for this goes to the Coach for fostering an inclusive, trust-based work environment free from gender stereotypes and feelings of disconnection.

Politicians

And let’s imagine the horror of a tech marketing guru becoming a speech writer for an aspiring politician:

This campaign will be both game-changing and revolutionary.  And, unlike my opponent, it will be a headless campaign whose policies will be inferred from cutting-edge AI and ML powered algorithms. In fact, our Big Data will likely be far bigger than my opponent’s!  You can’t get foreign policy insights like mine with some simple spreadsheet. Join me and we’ll make on-premises data centers world-class and safe for all Americans.

Getting laid off

A pink slip is never a good thing but tech-speak can soften the blow:

Due to changing business conditions your role is being eliminated. However, we are pleased to offer you NFT-based COBRA benefits. These virtual benefits don’t really exist but you can check them out in our special health care metaverse application. And, remember, while other pink slip avatars may be suffering from one or more COVID variants, ours will always be current with the latest inoculations.

Your departure will be data-driven and immutable. Our virtual counselors, via an Oculus headset, will leverage the best possible outcomes for your career and will use blockchain technology to secure a unique career path to come. We hope you’ll find this service robust and seamless.

Doctor visit

Forget bedside manner, imagine how tough a doctor’s visit would be if they spoke in medical AND technological terms:

After your fever breaks, you should return to a New Normal. Of course, you may lack some of your previous agility. In fact, your long recovery time suggests you’re not as resilient as before.

After you leave our facility, I’d recommend you follow a self-service methodology for physical therapy. If you follow this regimen, you should experience a positive candidate experience as you prepare for a back-to-work work scenario. For the near-term though, your employer should craft a deskless remote work environment until you are ready for a return to the office. Of course, you’ll want access to PPE at work.

My take

Every marketeer wants to help their firm close deals whether they’re new customer sales or wrapping up a key new capital fund-raising.  How would they spin it?

Join us as we celebrate our new equity raise and new decacorn (i.e., $10 billion) valuation. Our private equity investor assures us that our accelerating market uptake velocity and growing LTCV (lifetime customer value) will deliver a mega-corn valuation within 3 years. We believe this valuation is proof that our 6-person startup is poised for market-defining growth as we create a new technology market segment: the virtual marketing blather machine. Our firm will create the fluff and obfuscation every tech press release and website needs.

For me, plain English (or Texas-speak) would work much better….

P.S.  – This piece needs no comments but you can use the comments section (below) to craft (and share) your own copy where everyday people, in common situations (e.g., a birth announcement) use the language of technology PR types (e.g., hybrid, immersive, and, future-ready). Let’s see what you’ve got!