The ludicrous press release awards - "5G is pure awesomeness" edition

Profile picture for user jreed By Jon Reed June 7, 2019
Summary:
It's time to hand out some awards of questionable quality. This time, the winners are the 5G revolutionaries, who have fancy glasses and unlimited bandwidth for us! Where we're going, we don't need roads.

5G glasses

By popular demand, we're back with another edition of ludicrous press releases, this time honoring those PR wizards who are so jazzed about 5G that nothing's gonna stop us now.

Don't get me wrong, I agree that 5G is totally awesome, and that our existential challenges will fade as soon as we can all lifestream without regard to bandwidth or whether anyone cares.

Last time, I gave blockchain the satirical treatment. I thought about doing quantum computing, but let's face it, quantum computing is so 2020. Right now, it's about how 5G is going to turn us into even bigger coach potatoes utterly change the quality of our lives - and tech marketers are pumped.

If you missed my AI game changers edition, here's the rules:

  1. Head over to PRnewswire.com at 8:00 ET on June 7, 2019.
  2. Enter the search phrase “5G."
  3. Evaluate the first fifty results for consideration. No company is excluded, no matter how large or how small, no matter their relationship, financially or otherwise, to diginomica.

I now present the finalists, in no particular order.


The finalists - don't stream it live without them!

Get Ready for the 5G Revolution With IDTechEx Research
from: IDTechEX
snark: we're gonna be rich, y'all!

award qualifications: predictions of explosive markets in the billions that will never be held to audit are always worth running up the PR flagpole:

By 2030, 5G is forecast to contribute $700 billion to the global economy with a compound annual growth rate of 20 percent.

Nevermind that none of our current devices are compatible - we can just dig into our wallets for that. No worries that in many countries, the 5G infrastructure is a big ol' slog. And increased network costs - that's nothing to be concerned about either. Those costs would never be passed along to consumers, despite McKinsey's warning:

Network cost could double as operators strive to meet demand for increased capacity and deploy 5G. How can they maintain their profits?

bonus points: nice job sprinkling in the word "revolutionary" before getting around to this disclaimer:

However, it will take years for these vertical applications to adopt the technology, as a search for a sustainable business model continues.

Let's not let an ongoing need for sustainable business models ruin this revolution. Curious though, if 5G is so wondermuss, why are some U.S. communities fighting it?


Global LTE and 5G Broadcast Market to 2024: Focus on VOD, Mobile TV, Connected Cars, Emergency Alerts, Stadiums, E-Newspapers & E- Magazines, Radio, Data Feed & Notifications
from: Research and Markets
snark: seems like the focus is a little unfocused, no?

award qualifications: 5G hyperbole is required. We've got some:

5G technology can further enhance the mobile experience and offer users (with) limitless media consumption.

"Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads!!!"

 

Wondering if "limitless" 5G will apply to consumer data plans, and multi-player gaming streaming marathons... Nah, our 5G providers will swallow those costs to make sure we have limitless experiences.


Rising Need for Zero-Latency Transfer Opens Up Opportunities for Edge Computing
from: Frost & Sullivan
snark: I've been to the edge, and there I stood and looked down

award qualifications: if you can connect 5G to the edge, and leverage buzzspeak, I like your chances:

It is important for market participants to forge partnerships and leverage existing relationships in the industry in order to unlock new revenue streams. Colocation providers will look to penetrate Tier II and Tier III cities where the workload potential is expected to increase, while enterprise-class users are likely to opt for edge-based colocation services or push their own networking infrastructure to the edge.

Anyone care to translate?

bonus points: also worked in "value chains" and "zero-latency data transfer." No mention of 5G security issues, but it's no big deal if our streams are hijacked or if a hacker takes control of our "smart" vehicles - we can always install a patch later, assuming we survive.


nreal Announces Highly Anticipated Consumer Availability of nreal light for $499 USD
from: nreal
snark: get back to me when they cost $4.99

award qualifications: you pulled in mixed reality (XR), 5G, and geek fashion into the same PR wag:

"nreal light provides a light-weight XR Viewer that allows consumers to take advantage of 5G including high bandwidth and low latency to deliver immersive experiences virtually anywhere," said Hugo Swart, head of XR, Qualcomm Technologies, "We worked closely with nreal to ensure Snapdragon smartphone compatibility and ecosystem integration to transform the way people connect and consume entertainment, and to further advance XR to make it the next generation of mobile computing."

Hey, at least they won't be Snapchatting anymore. Despite the happy insistence that the $499 price is "within reach of the average consumer," I think a babysitter is still cheaper.

bonus: impressive enthusiasm for a product that isn't even shipping yet, on a hypothetical 5G network that doesn't exist yet. But hey, there's no statute of limitations on pure, unadulterated human excitement. And hey, if this is ideal for those who are:

completely enveloped in a new world battling aliens from the comfort of your home

Maybe that's a fit for my lifestyle after all....


Honorable exclusions

I've never objected to the notion that 5G is important. I'm working up a 5G and retail piece right now. But I think we can take an analytical step back from the revolution, without missing out on the fun.

You might be asking, "Well, Jon, what do you expect a company with a stake in 5G to do? Not write a press release?" Glad you asked. It's possible to put out an effective press releases that puts enthusiasm in context. One good 5G example: Industry wants to leverage the 5G revolution but barriers remain, according to Capgemini report. Capgemini ranks 5G interest against other trends, scoring it higher than AI but behind cloud computing, adding:

Despite uncertainties around the speed of deployment, manufacturers are already willing to pay a premium charge for enhanced 5G connectivity. 72% of industrial companies will pay more for enhanced mobile broadband speed and increased capacity, yet only 54% of telecom operators think there is appetite for this. This presents an opportunity for telecom operators to consider how they build a highly profitable 5G business model.

Effective stuff, with useful data. But, sorry to ruin the fun Capgemini, it doesn't qualify as ludicrous. Next time, leverage the 5G revolution.

 

Image credit - nreal mixed reality glasses picture from PRweb.com.

Disclosure - No press releases were harmed during the compilation of this column.